Unknown, p.38
Unknown, page 38
I got the beans and was about to go back when I heard a rustling movement under one of the old boxes. I went over and lifted it up.
There was a brown rat beneath it, lying on its side. It rolled its head up at me and stared. Its sides were heaving violently and it bared its teeth. It was the biggest rat I had ever seen, and I leaned closer. It was in the act of giving birth. Two of its young, hairles, were already nursing at its belly. Another was halfway into the world.
The mother glared at me helplessly, ready to bite. I wanted to kill it, kill all of them, squash them, but I couldn't. It was the most hoffible thing I'd ever seen. As I watched, a small brown spider-a daddy longlegs, I think-crawled rapidly across the floor. The mother snatched it up and ate it.
I Red. Halfway up the stairs I fell and broke the jar of beans. Mrs.
Hollis thrashed me, and I never went into the root cellar again unless I had to.
I stood looking down at the cop, remembering.
"Hurry," Nona said again.
He was much lighter than Norman Blanchette had been, or perhaps my adrenalin was just flowing more freely. I gathered him up in both arms and carried him over to the edge of the bridge. I could barely make out the Gretna Falls downstream, and upstream the GS&WM railroad trestle was only a gaunt shadow, like a scaffold. The night wind whooped and screamed, and the snow beat against my face.
For a moment I held the cop against my chest like a sleeping newborn child, and then I remembered what he really was and threw him over the side and down into darkness.
We went back to the truck and got in, but it wouldn't start. I cranked the engine until I could smell the sweetish aroma of gas from the flooded carb, and then stopped.
" Come on," I said.
We went to the cruiser. The front seat was littered with violation tags, forms, two clipboards. The shortwave under the dash crackled an " Unit Four, come in, Four. Do you copy?"
I reached under and turned it off, banging my knuckles on something as I searched for the right toggle switch. It was a shotgun, pump action.
Probably the cop's personal property. I unclipped it and handed it to Nona. She put it on her lap. I backed the cruiser up. It was dented but otherwise not hurt. It had snow tires and they bit nicely once we got over the ice that had done the damage.
Then we were in Blainesville. The houses, except for an occasional shanty trailer set back from the road, had disappeared. The road itself hadn't been plowed yet and there were no tracks except the ones we were leaving behind us. Monolithic fir trees, weighted with snow, towered all around us, and they made me feel tiny and insignificant, just some tiny morsel caught in the giant throat of this night. It was now after ten o'clock.
I didn't see much of college social life during my freshman year at the university. I studied hard and worked in the library shelving books and repairing bindings and learning how to catalogue. In the spring there was jayvee baseball.
Near the end of the academic year, just before finals, there was a dance at the gym. I was at loose ends, studied up for my first two tests, and I wandered down. I had the buck admission, so I went in.
It was dark and crowded and sweaty and frantic as only a college social before the ax of finals can be. There was sex in the air. You didn't have to smell it; you could almost reach out and grab it in both hands, like a wet piece of heavy cloth. You knew that love was going to be made later on, or what passes for love. People were going to make it under bleachers and in the steam plant parking lot and in apartments and dormitory rooms. It was going to be made by desperate men/boys with the draft one step behind them and by pretty coeds who were going to drop out this year and go home and start a family.
It would be made with tears and laughter, drunk and sober, stiffly and with no inhibition. But mostly it would be made quickly.
There were a few stags, but not many. It wasn't a night you needed to go anyplace stag. I drifted down by the raised bandstand.
As I got closer to the sound, the beat, the music got to be a palpable thing. The group had a half circle of five-foot amplifiers behind them, and you could feel your eardrums flapping in and out with the bass signature.
I leaned up against the wall and watched. The dancers moved in prescribed patterns (as if they were trios instead of couples, the third Moving through the sawdust that had been sprinkled over the varnished floor. I didn't see anybody I knew and I began to feel lonely, but pleasantly so. I was at that stage of the evening where you fantasize that everyone is looking at you, the romantic stranger, out of the corners of their eyes.
About a half hour later I went out and got a Coke in the lobby.
When I went back in somebody had started a circle dance and I was pulled in, my arms around the shoulders of two girls I had never seen before.
We went around and around. There were maybe two hundred people in the circle and it covered half the gym floor. Then part of it collapsed and twenty or thirty people formed another circle in the middle of the first and started to go around the other way. It made me feel dizzy. I saw a girl who looked like Shelley Roberson, but I knew that was a fantasy.
When I looked for her again I couldn't see her or anyone who looked like her.
When the thing finally broke up I felt weak and not well. I went back over by the bleachers and sat down. The music was too loud, the air too greasy. I could hear my heartbeat in my head, the way you do after you threw the biggest drunk of your life.
I used to think what happened next happened because I was tired and a little nauseated from going around and around, but, as I said before, all this writing has brought everything into sharper focus. I can't believe that anymore.
I looked up at them again, all the beautiful, hurrying people in the semidarkness. It seemed to me that all the men looked terrified, their faces eloni-zatins -into grotesque, slow-motion masks. It was understandable. The women-coeds in their sweaters, short skirts, their bellbottoms-were all turning into rats. At first it didn't frighten me.
I even chuckled. I knew what I was seeing was some kind of hallucination, and for a while I could watch it almost clinically.
Then some girl stood on tiptoe to kiss her fellow, and that was too much. Hairy, twisted face with its black buckshot eyes reaching up, mouth spreading to reveal teeth…
I left.
I stood in the lobby for a moment, half distracted. There was a bathroom down the hall, but I went past it and up the stairs.
The locker room was on the third floor and I had to run the last flight.
I pulled the door open and ran for one of the bathroom stalls. I threw up amid the mixed smells of liniment, sweaty uniforms, oiled leather.
The music was far away down there, the silence up here virginal. I felt comforted.
We had come to a stop sign at Southwest Bend. The memory of the dance had left me excited for a reason I didn't understand. I began to shake.
She looked at me, smiling with her dark eyes." Now?"
I couldn't answer her. I was shaking too badly for that. She nodded slowly.
I drove onto a spur of Route 7 that must have been a logging road in the summertime. I didn't drive in too deeply because I was afraid of getting stuck. I popped off the headlights and flecks of snow began to gather silently on the windshield. Some kind of sound was escaping me, being dragged out of me. I think it must have been a close oral counterpart to the thoughts of a rabbit caught in a snare.
"Here," she said." Right here."
It was ecstasy.
We almost didn't get back onto the main road. The snowplow had gone by, orange lights winking and flashing in the night, throwing up a huge wall of snow in our way.
There was a shovel in the trunk of the police car. It took me half an hour to dig out, and by then it was almost midnight. She turned on the police radio while I was doing it, and it told us what we had to know.
The bodies of Blanchette and the kid from the pickup truck had been found. They suspected that we had taken the cruiser. The cop's name had been Essegian, and that's a funny name. There used to be a major-league ballplayer named Essegian-I think he played for the Dodgers. Maybe I had killed one of his relatives. It didn't bother me to know the cop's name. He had been following too close and he had gotten in our way.
We drove back onto the main road.
I could feel her excitement, high and hot and burning. I stopped long enough to clear the windshield with my arm and then we were going again.
We went through West Blainesville and I knew without having to be told where to turn. A snow-crusted sign said it was Stackpole Road.
The plow had not been here, but one vehicle had been through before us.
The tracks of its tires were still freshly cut in the blowing, restless snow.
A mile, then less than a mile. Her fierce eagerness, her need, came to me and I began to feel jumpy again. We came around a curve and there was the power truck, bright orange body and warning flashers pulsing the color of blood. It was blocking the road.
You can't imagine her rage-cur rage, really-because now, after what happened, we were really one. You can't imagine the sweeping feeling of intense paranoia, the conviction that every hand was out to cut us down.
There were two of them. One was a bending shadow in the darkness ahead.
The other was holding a flashlight. He came toward us, his light bobbing like a lurid eye. And there was more than hate. There was fear-fear that it was all going to be snatched away from us at the last moment.
He was yelling, and I cranked down my window.
"You can't get through here! Go on back by the Bowen Road! We got a live line down here! You can't-"
I got out of the car, lifted the shotgun, and gave him both barrels.
He was flung forcibly back against the orange truck and I staggered back against the cruiser. He slipped down an inch at a time, staring at me incredulously, and then he fell into the snow.
"Are there more shells?" I asked Nona.
"Yes." She gave them to me. I broke the shotgun, ejected the spent cartridges, and put in new ones.
The guy's buddy had straightened up and was watching incredulously. He shouted something at me that was lost in the wind. it sounded like a question but it didn't matter. I was going to kill him. I walked toward him and he just stood there, looking at me. He didn't move, even when I raised the shotgun. I don't think he had any conception of what was happening. I think he thought it was a dream.
I fired one barrel and was low. A great flurry of snow exploded UP, coating him. Then he bellowed a great terrified scream and ran, taking one gigantic bound over the fallen power cable in the road. I fired the other barrel and missed again. Then he was gone into the dark and I could forget him. He wasn't in our way anymore. I went back to the cruiser.
" We'll have to walk," I said.
We walked past the fallen body, stepped over the spitting power line, and walked up the road, following the widely spaced tracks of the fleeing man. Some of the drifts were almost up to her knees, but she was always a little ahead of me. We were both panting.
We came over a hill and descended into a narrow dip. On one side was a leaning, deserted shed with glassless windows. She stopped and gripped my arm.
"There," she said, and pointed across to the other side. Her grip was strong and painful even through my coat. Her face was set in a glaring, triumphant rictus." There. There."
It was a graveyard.
We slipped and stumbled up the banking and clambered over a snow-covered stone wall. I had been here too, of course. My real mother had come from Blainesville, and although she and my father had never lived there, this was where the family plot had been. It was a gift to my mother from her parents, who had lived and died in Blainesville. During the thing with Shelley Roberson I had come here often to read the poems of John Keats and Percy Shelley. I suppose you think that was a damned weird thing to do, but I don't. Not even now. I felt close to them, comforted. After Ace Carmody beat me up I never went there again. Not until Nona led me there.
I slipped and fell in the loose powder, twisting my ankle. I got up and walked on it, using the shotgun as a crutch. The silence was infinite and unbelievable. The snow fell in soft, straight lines, mounding atop the leaning stones and crosses, burying all but the tips of the corroded flagholders that would only hold flags on Memorial Day and Veterans Day.
The silence was unholy in its immensity, and for the first time I felt terror.
She led jne toward a stone building set into the whitened rise of the hill at th&. back of the cemetery. A vault. She had a key. I knew she would have a key, and she did.
She blew the snow away from the door's flange and found the keyhole. The sound the turning tumblers made seemed to stretch across the darkness.
She leaned on the door and it swung inward.
The odor that came out at us was as cool as autumn, as cool as the air in the Hollis root cellar. I could see in only a little way. There were STEPH dead leaves on the stone floor. She entered, paused, looked back over her shoulder at me.
"No," I said.
She laughed at me.
I stood in the darkness, feeling everything begin to run togetherpast, present, future. I wanted to run, run screaming, run fast enough to take back everything I had done.
Nona stood there looking at me, the most beautiful girl in the world, the only thing that had ever been mine. She made a gesture with her hands on her body. I'm not going to tell you what it was. You would know it if you saw it.
I went in. She closed the door.
It was dark but I could see perfectly well. The place was alight with a slowly running green fire. It ran over the walls and snaked across the leaf-littered floor in writhing tongues. There was a bier in the center of the vault, but it was empty. The petals of withered roses were scattered across it. She beckoned to me, then pointed to the small door at the rear. Small, unmarked door. I dreaded it. I think I knew then.
She had used me and laughed at me. Now she would destroy me.
But I couldn't stop. I went to that door because I had to. That mental telegraph was still working at what I felt was glee-a terrible, insane glee-and triumph. My hand trembled toward the door. It was coated with green fire.
I opened the door and saw what was there.
It was the girl, my girl. Dead. Her eyes stared vacantly into that October vault, into my own eyes. She smelled of stolen kisses. She was naked and she had been ripped open from throat to crotch, her whole body turned into a sterile womb. And yet something lived in there.
The rats. I could not see them but I could hear them, rustling around in there, inside her. I knew that in a moment her dry mouth would open and she would speak to me of love. I backed away, my whole body numb, my brain floating on a dark cloud of fear.
I turned to Nona. She was laughing, holding her arms out to me.
And with a sudden blaze of understanding I knew, I knew, I knew.
The last test had been passed. I was free!
I turned back to the doorway and of course it was nothing b'llt an empty stone closet with dead leaves on the floor.
I went to Nona. I went to my life.
Her arms reached around my neck and I pulled her against me.
That was when she began to change, to ripple and run like wax. The great dark eyes became small and beady. The hair coarsened, went brown. The nose shortened, the nostrils dilated. Her body lumped and hunched against me.
I was being embraced by a rat.
Her lipless mouth stretched upward for mine.
I didn't scream. There were no screams left. I doubt if I will ever scream again.
It's so hot in here.
I don't mind the heat, not really. I like to sweat if I can shower, I've always thought of sweat as a good, masculine thing, but sometimes there are bugs that bite-spiders, for instance. Did you know that female spiders sting and eat their mates? They do, right after copulation. Also, I've heard scurryings in the walls. I don't like that.
I've given myself writer's cramp, and the felt tip of the pen is all soft and mushy. But I'm done now. And things look different. It doesn't seem the same anymore at all.
Do you realize that for a while they almost had me believing that I did all those horrible things myself? Those men from the truck stop, the guy from the power truck who got away. They said I was alone. I was alone when they found me, almost frozen to death in that graveyard by the stones that mark my father, my mother, my brother Drake.
But that only means she left, you can see that. Any fool could. But I'm glad she got away. Truly I am. But you must realize she was with me all the time, every step of the way.
I'm going to kill myself now. It will be much better. I'm tired of all the guilt and agony and bad dreams, and also I don't like the noises in the walls. Anybody could be in there. Or anything.
I'm not crazy. I know that and trust that you do, too. If you say you aren't, that's supposed to mean you are, but I am beyond all those little games. She was with me, she was real. I love her. True love will never die. That's how I signed all my letters to Shelley, the ones I tore up.
I didn't hurt any ladies, did I?
I never hurt any ladies.
She was the only one I ever really loved.
It's so hot in here. And I don't like the sounds in the walls.
True love will never die.
AndyAfro, Unknown
