Like ashes in the wind, p.1
Like Ashes In The Wind, page 1
LIKE ASHES IN THE WIND
B C MORGAN
Copyright © 2024 by B C Morgan
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This novel is entirely a work of fiction. The names, characters, and incidents portrayed in it are the work of the author’s imagination. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, events or localities is entirely coincidental.
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First edition
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CONTENTS
Foreword
Blurb
Chapter 1
Chapter 2
Chapter 3
Chapter 4
Chapter 5
Chapter 6
Chapter 7
Chapter 8
Chapter 9
Chapter 10
Chapter 11
Chapter 12
Chapter 13
Chapter 14
Chapter 15
Chapter 16
Chapter 17
Chapter 18
Chapter 19
Chapter 20
Chapter 21
Chapter 22
Chapter 23
Chapter 24
Chapter 25
Chapter 26
Chapter 27
Chapter 28
Chapter 29
Chapter 30
Chapter 31
Epilogue
Thank You
Acknowledgments
About the Author
Also by B C Morgan
FOREWORD
Warning
The book may contain triggers for domestic abuse, manipulation, mental health and alcohol abuse. Please do not go any further if this could affect you negatively.
Whether you go past this page or not I just want to say thank you for taking the chance to read it! If you do decide to read it and it becomes too difficult to carry on then please stop. I would rather know that you are okay than for you to keep reading.
My black heart loves you all.
This has been written in standard British English, so some spellings may seem wrong if you’re reading from the other side of the pond.
I was too young to understand what loving him truly meant. He was my everything, in my mind and heart, all my firsts would be his. Then he broke me. No longer able to hold on to the fantasy of us, I moved on and gave myself to another.
Now, he’s back.
The boy who haunted my dreams is now a man who will stop at nothing to get what he wants. My heart is being ripped to shreds, I’m being pulled in multiple directions.
Will I make the right choice?
Even before I knew what it meant, I was hers and she was mine.
We were too young; it was too soon. I pushed her away, she never knew why.
I am not that boy anymore.
Holding onto the fantasy has been the main thing keeping me going all these years.
I have never stopped being hers.
I know what I want. I won’t stop until she knows the truth, and she is finally mine again.
ONE
Staring at my reflection in the mirror, I can’t help but wonder how I got here. Waiting for Mason to pick me up so we can go celebrate our one-year anniversary.
It may not seem like such a big deal to most people, it’s only a year… right?! Well, not to me. There used to be this boy, one I foolishly allowed myself to believe I was in love with, who broke my young, naïve heart. Because of him, I’ve never been in a long-term relationship. Usually a month or two went by, before I got cold feet, or I’d start comparing them to the memory of a guy I no longer knew. That’s if I ever really knew him. The guy I remembered so fondly would never have rejected me so harshly, breaking my fragile little heart, and leaving it as nothing more than dust and ash to float away on the wind.
He haunted my dreams for too long. Had a power over me that I foolishly handed to him, I could never move on from the idea and fantasy I had held onto for most of my teenage years.
I’m not sure when it changed, if it even did. Sure, a year with Mason has flown by quickly, and I finally, feel happy. I know I care for him, maybe even love him? Luckily in a healthier way than I had ever felt before. I also believe he truly loves and cares for me too. Sure we have our problems, what couple doesn’t? He can get a little pushy and sometimes forgets the rules I’ve made to protect myself, and he works late more often than not now, but I am happy… at least compared to anything I’ve felt with a guy before. The thing that worries me, is how do I know I’ve truly let go and moved on from my past? Maybe a year is the only sign I need, so why am I standing here, waiting for my fella to arrive while thinking about my ‘what if’ guy?
Trying to shake off my thoughts, I fix the black that lines my eyes, making the sea-blue of my eyes pop. My long blonde hair is half up, with the rest curled loosely, and I’ve donned a knee length pale blue dress. I’m not sure what Mason has planned, but this feels safe. Especially paired with my black ballet slippers, and cardigan.
Butterflies swirl in my stomach, as I think back on the look he gave me before heading back to his place this morning. Mason’s eyes had swam with love and wonder, and for a moment I swear he was going to say those three huge words that change everything. Just because I know he loves me, it doesn’t mean we’ve actually said it to one another. There have been moments when the timing has felt right, but the words have somehow always refused to come. Maybe that’s why I’m not as excited by tonight as I probably should be.
I have worked so hard to get over reservations and to not put my past toxic bullshit onto Mason, to not let past experiences cloud my judgement. So, when we argue over my reluctance to remove my clothing in front of him, or for my inability to ‘let him in’ as he puts it, I wonder if it’s because of my jaded attitude.
The time continues to tick by, when my phone buzzes on the bathroom counter. Like the horrible person I am, a sense of relief floods me when I see Mason’s text telling me he’s stuck at work and that he’ll make it up to me tomorrow. The fact I spent the last hour getting ready doesn’t bother me, I’m only relieved I get to put off the inevitable for one more night.
Releasing a deep sigh, I almost jump when my phone buzzes in my hand. Spotting my favourite person’s name, I quickly hit accept and wonder what trouble she has planned this time.
“Hel, you alright?”
“Of course. Can’t a girl call her bestie just to say hello,” she fires back, and I can already tell she’s got something planned.
“Sure, but you also know I’m supposed to be celebrating tonight.”
“Yep, but he’s stuck at work with Michel, so I’m going to save you from a night of boredom.” Her voice becomes lower, as if she’s moved away from the phone, when I hear the door go and I shake my head with a smile on my face.
“You didn’t waste any time,” I say with a laugh, but my brows draw in when she questions what I mean.
“Isn’t that you at the door?”
“No, I’ve only just found out you’re gonna be a loner tonight. I’m good babe, but not that good.”
“Okay then, I’ll call you back,” I say quickly before disconnecting the call.
I’m certainly not expecting anyone tonight. If it isn’t Mason or Hel, then I’m not sure who it could be.
To be fair, when you live on an island as small as ours, you know everyone. It’s just, people rarely turn up unannounced for a good reason.
I leave the bedroom and head downstairs. Eyeing the door, I wish I’d installed one of those camera doorbells, at least then I’d know who was on the other side.
Closing my hand around the handle, I pull the door towards me, my hand flies to my mouth when my eyes land on the person waiting on the other side.
“Well, aren’t you going to invite me in?”
Jaxon sits on the sofa, while I stare at him suspiciously from the chair. He looks amused that I’m sitting as far away from him as I can, while I just feel pissed off. I don’t want him here, the sooner he tells me what he wants, the sooner he’s out of the door.
He looks like a stranger, and how can he not? We’ve spent so many years apart. I don’t know who he even is anymore. Jax’s dark hair is shaved on the sides, while longer on top. The same sea-blue eyes as mine, look at me as though for th
“Come on, Blake. Don’t you even have a hug for your big brother? I haven’t seen you in… what, five years?” he stares off to the side, trying to work out the maths, while I already know the answer.
“Are you fucking with me right now? The last time we had a meaningful conversation, you called me a slut and said I was an embarrassment to myself and our family.” I deliver the words with a bite to my tone, while gritting my teeth. “While your appearance five years ago was only to make yourself feel and look good. The prodigal son finally returns, pretending as if nothing had ever happened, that you didn’t turn your back on your family and pretend we never existed.” My hands ball into fists on my lap. I wish I’d never ended the call with Hel. If she knew Jaxon was here, she’d never let me handle it alone.
“Come on, Blake. I was young and stupid, I thought I knew everything. I never should have said those things to you, but I was in shock and honestly, scared for you.” He strokes the back of his neck, before meeting my eyes. He says young, he was twenty-eight. “Although you are wrong. I didn’t come back before to make myself feel better, I came because I thought you may have needed me. After what happened to mum…” he stops talking when I hold my hand up, not needing to hear him say it. That memory is still too painful, I don’t think the sting of it will ever truly fade.
“Why are you here, Jax? In case you couldn’t tell, I have plans.” I brush my hands up and down, pointing out my makeup and clothes, and he finally takes me in.
“Damn Blake, you really are all grown up now, aren’t ya? Look, there’s something you need to know, and I didn’t want you to be blindsided by it. I could be wrong and I sure as hell hope that I am, but just in case…” he trails off, eyes shifting from side to side, looking guilty as hell.
“Just get to the damn point,” I snap, feeling exhausted by him.
“I heard Tate might show up here soon. I don’t know if it’s real, or people just gossip mongering, but if he is… well according to the rumours he’s been asking around about you.”
My heart stops dead. For a couple of seconds, I swear it doesn’t even beat, before it kicks into overdrive. On the outside I keep my face passive, almost bored, while inside… I’m close to snapping. He must be wrong, there is no way Tate will come here. Not after what happened on my eighteenth. That was the last time I saw him and I’ve always thought it would stay that way.
“You came all this way because of a rumour, jeez Jax I’m not that same girl anymore. I’m not about to blow my life up over some guy, besides I’m with someone now. We’re happy and making plans for the future… I think you’ve had a wasted trip.” I give him my signature eye roll, and hope that I’m not lying to us both.
“You don’t know how relieved I am to hear you say that. When I got back from my posting — and found out they’d released him – I wanted to make sure he didn’t fuck with you again. I guess I needn’t have bothered.” He shrugs, and for a moment, looks utterly dejected.
This time my sigh isn’t one of relief, but resignation.
“Look, I don’t know where you’re staying while you’re here, but I have a spare room if you want it.” I nod my head along to my words, as his eyes flash, before he gives a quick jerk of his head.
“That would be great, thanks Blake. I’ll grab my things from the car,” he says with a slight smile, before walking over to the door. He hesitates when he turns the handle, taking a moment to look back at me. “You really are all grown up, I’m sorry I missed it.”
Once he’s outside and the door clicks behind him, I whisper back, “so am I.”
Hel can’t keep the grin off her face when I tell her my brother is in town. Her crush on him has been going strong since he granted me and mum a rare visit when I was nineteen. You’d think she’d never seen a guy in a uniform before, not with how girly and foolish she acted around him. I guess some things never change. Even now although she is turning twenty-eight she is acting as if all of her teenage dreams are coming true at just the mention of him.
Maybe other people would find it weird, knowing their best friend had the hots for their brother, but I’m not like everyone else. I grew up jaded, with a twisted view on life and this world. Ever since I was fourteen, I’ve believed you should be with whoever you love or crave, no matter who they are. It may not have worked out for me and I doubt it would be in Hel’s best interest either, but I’d be a hypocrite if I asked her to stop.
“So, how long is the dreamy Jax here for? Please tell me he brought his uniform with him.” She pushes her hands together in a prayer gesture, while batting her eyes at me.
“You’re terrible, you know that right?” I say with a laugh, before my humour dries up. “He hasn’t said how long he’ll be staying for, although I doubt he’ll have his uniform with him. From what he said over breakfast this morning, I don’t think he’ll be renewing his time with the army again.” It was a relief when he told me, no matter how far apart we’ve grown, Jax is still my brother and I’ve always feared for him.
“That’s a pity, my memory bank needs more yummy goodness to keep me going through my lonely nights.” We both laugh, before her eyes drop to the table we always choose when we come to our favourite coffee shop.
“Come on Hel, just spit it out.”
“Do you think Tate would come here? I mean, why bother?” She stares at me, trying to look for something I refuse to give. No more, I won’t let Tate have a hold on me anymore, it’s about time I let the past lie, and start enjoying the here and now.
“Honestly, I doubt it. After what happened, the only thing I would do if he turned up is die from years old embarrassment,” it comes out in a laugh, and her eyes narrow.
“Don’t give me that bullshit. Jax may fall for the whole ‘schoolgirl crush’ shit, but I know you better than that. He wasn’t just a pipe dream for you, babe. He was… your what if guy. Are you telling me if he walked through that door right now, he wouldn’t tempt you a little?” She raises her eyebrows, and I drop my eyes to my cappuccino, thinking about her words more than I should.
“Things are finally good, the last thing I would ever want to do is screw my life up all over again. Pretty sure my dad did that enough for me on his own. Mason is so… well he’s Mason. We’re happy, if not a little complacent in our relationship, but no if Tate turned up, I’d like to think I’m finally wise enough to walk away.”
I realise in this moment, despite him still occasionally invading my thoughts, I genuinely mean it. Besides, he’s a grown ass man, he’s got no reason to come to a tourist beachside like mine. Mainly because he never enjoyed the quiet life. Plus, after where he’s been, I doubt the people here would be very welcoming.
TWO
Crash.
The sound of glass breaking and hitting the ground reaches my ears, followed by the fast beating of my heart. In my mind I already know what’s causing it, but what if I’m wrong?
I can hear my mum’s feet padding against the carpeted landing. The child in me wants to stay in bed, hidden beneath my covers, but I also want to keep my mum safe.
Sneaking out, I see her spine straighten at the squeaking of my door. She rolls her shoulders back, before turning to face me.
“Blake baby, go back to bed. It’ll be okay,” she says softly, cupping my cheek.
“No, not until I know it’s him,” I reply bitterly, grasping her hand.
I know she wants to argue, it’s written all over her face. Instead, she grips me back as we slowly make our way down the stairs.
Everything is quiet and clear. The living room is silent and undisturbed, so we push on to the kitchen, revealing my first thoughts are correct.
“Go upstairs Blake, you don’t need to deal with this,” mum says more firmly this time. As usual, now I know it’s my dad, I do as I’m told and hightail it back upstairs.
